Art Wank

Approximately a 10 minute read that will hopefully make you chuckle.

I know, the title is jarring, unsophisticated and vulgar, but it is precisely how I feel about some modern art pieces seen in Galleries and Museums these days. I do not claim to have invented the term "Art Wank", I picked up this apt vocabulary from an Australian woman at a dinner party a couple of decades ago and instinctively understood exactly what she meant. On a recent trip to Munich, Germany, we encountered many examples of what I would consider "Art Wank". I feel compelled to write about my recent experience, unvarnished, and without nuance, as this is a topic I frequently muse on.

Why? Because I want to find out how many other people feel this way or if I'm just old fashioned?

My husband and I went to the Lenbachhaus Gallery, with the main intention of seeing their Franz Marc paintings. I was very excited. I was inspired by Marc's work during college and I've only ever laid my eyes on a woodblock print and a watercolour piece of his about 20 years ago. I knew I was in for a real treat.

We made our way to the top floor to see 9 of his pieces in their current exhibition. They had a few others but they were in the wing that was being renovated - typically my luck whenever I travel, a gene inherited from my Mother. She calls it, the Scaffolding Gene.

Franz Marc's Blue Horse

Franz Marc was part of the Blue Rider Group, (Der Blaue Reiter), an informal collective of modern expressionist artists who came together in Munich, Germany in 1911. Along with Kandinsky, they experimented with Abstraction and Expressionism, creating bold colourful works. The Nazi's described their work as 'Degenerate Art', and confiscated it. Some have been lost forever, so there are not many to be seen in the wild. I spent an indulgent amount of time gazing on Marc's works in the quiet gallery, admiring all the texture and layers of paint that simply can't be conveyed in a book. We eventually tore ourselves away to see what other masterpieces The Lenbachhaus had to offer.

Franz Marc's Yellow Cow

Yellow Cow Close Up

Alas, it was all downhill from there.

While I do not associate with Nazi's or Nazi thinking, the phrase 'Degenerate Art' was on my mind as we continued to explore the Gallery.

Art is subjective and hits everyone differently, which is part of it's charm and makes it so interesting. Personally, I enjoy art that demonstrates tangible skills and talents and speaks for itself. People go to galleries to feel inspired, uplifted and more connected as a human. I find modern art increasingly relies on an essay to accompany a piece to justify its existence in the art world. Zero talents or skills required.

My husband, Chris, is the perfect person to experience Art Wank with. He is a no nonsense kind of person. He'll give you a straight up opinion with a slap and a shot of really good whisky. I appreciate this. No telepathy required. Although the thought WTF can be seen plainly on his face at times. It turns an exhibit that I would find depressing into a very entertaining couple of hours.

The first room we enter is scattered with stone blocks, about 1 to 2 feet square with what looks like a post hole ground into the centre of them. They turn out to be spice grinding stones from India. The point of them being in the gallery was that the artist, whose name I didn't bother to record, used them in performance art, moving them from one location to another. That is the work. That is the "art".

My question to you is, is it Art? Is it Art Wank?

Stone Spice Blocks

For us, this falls firmly into the Art Wank category. Chris owns an exterior refinishing company, and it's almost cute to us that someone thinks relocating something heavy is worthy of the art world. Inspiring? No. Talented? No. Skills? No.

But perhaps you disagree with me. I'd love to hear from you.

Let us move on to some of the other exhibits, and continue to play; Is it Art? Is it Art Wank?

The next pieces were two enormous collages. At a distance, they are an interior scene. Close up, the scene is made up of photos of people who used those rooms and documents from the building they were in. The perspective is perfect and it would have taken days and weeks to bring together the right pieces, cutting them exactly and placed just so.

Inspiring? Mildly. Talented? Yes, in my opinion, I can admire the gifts of the artist. Skills? Yes, as collages can be very badly done.

Chris was less convinced, but didn't screw his face up in disgust, that is why I include this exhibit for your consideration.

The next room displays 4 copper sheets approximately 3ft square, covered in dents. Beside them is a close up video of the feet of a person in heels dancing on these copper sheets, creating the dents. That is the art. There's an essay to explain this work further, which I read, but for the sake of this article I'm sticking with the notion that Art Should Speak for Itself and not including it.

Inspiring? No. But it might be appreciated on display in a dance studio. Talented? No. Skills? No.

I could agree that the dancers have some skills.

Is it art? Is it Art Wank? You decide.

Copper Sheets

Copper Sheets and Video Experience

The next notable piece employs AI. Yes. We all knew this was coming. I paid 8 Euros to go into a gallery to see the results of a prompt fed to AI, generated by stealing art from across the globe without permission and puking it up in the Lenbachhaus Gallery in Munich, Germany. It is a video on loop, showing multiple image generations of the same prompt.

Inspiring? Hard No. Talented? No. Skills? What skills?

Is it art? Is it Art Wank?

It's insulting is what it is.

AI Prompt Info Sheet

AI "Art"

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/9642ae_a682784529ad4beca79836c8cdb6a045/720p/mp4/file.mp4

AI Generation Video Sample

Ah, next we come to my favourite. Plank on Pillow. Literally. In the middle of the floor. That was it.

My Pillow Princess husband was mildly interested in the quality of the pillow, as the ones in our hotel were far below standards, but other than that, is there anything at all to be admired in this "Art"?

Inspiring? No. Talented? No. Skills? No.

The entertainment of this piece has come from sending a picture of it to all my favourite people and enjoying their responses. We got a ton of laughing emoji's, WTFs? and an "I'm dying laughing".

Is it Art? Is it Art Wank?

Plank on Pillow

Plank on Pillow

In the same room is a smaller piece of plank mounted to the wall with the corners chiselled out and a couple of paint stains. At this point, Chris is thinking of switching careers, pulling all the stuff out of his work trailer and mounting it to pristine white walls.

This time next year, we'll be millionaires.

Plank on Wall

The next room has a few forgetable pieces on the wall. The prominent display is 3 white plinths, about 4 feet high, each topped with a basket full of what looks like a thrift store haul. There is tape on the floor which you are not allowed to cross for a closer look. Chris was unaware of the tape, mesmerized as he was by the art before him, and wondered across it to view the back. He was sharply told off in German, which got everyone's attention. The other couple in the room started laughing, replied something in German and the guard rolled his eyes in a universal language that said, "I don't get this stupid crap either".

Inspiring? Talented? Skills? I think you probably understand how I feel about it all by now.

Thrift Store Baskets You Can't Go Near

I will not detain you much longer with the seemingly endless exhibits of Art Wank we came across, you can see them in the photos at the end of this writing. But there are two more that deserve your attention and time, solely for the sake of this discussion.

On the lowest floor of the Gallery, the room is full of random objects with a brief description in English, that has absolutely nothing to do with the piece at all. On one wall, there are mounted a variety of deformed solid black or white egg shaped structures. These are proclaiming to be "self portraits".

To me, the only portrait they could possibly resemble is a representation of our AI overlords in robot form.

Self Portrait/Deformed Egg. The caption reads, "Self as Ananda K Coomaraswamy who knew that a human voice, like a pipe organ, cannot play itself, while, unlike a pipe organ, it can erupt without being played". Wow. There must be some good psychedelics going around Germany.

The remarkable thing about this was not the display, but the group discussing them. My German is atrocious, but it looked to us like the group consisted of a Professor and University Students in a positively animated discussion about the work before them. Their body language suggested they were agreeing to several points on the topic.

This brings to mind many questions. Is this art following actually a cult? College aged students are very impressionable, have they been brainwashed into thinking this is "good art", something to aspire to? Do they truly believe in their very souls, that this is worthy of gallery space, the time, attention and admission fees of the unsuspecting public? How did they feel about work like this before going to university? Are they truly inspired by it? Do they go home thinking, wow, what a feast my eyes had today?

They are the next generation of artists.

Brace yourselves everyone.

But now we come to Chris's favourite. Only because we wonder at the audacity of the artist to claim this is art, and the brazenness of the gallery to rob us in broad daylight to see it.

I will even bother to write up the description, so you too can enjoy the full effect of the work.

"Roman Ondak's conceptual art moves in the field of tension between everyday life, memory and collective perception. With subtle inventions in space, objects or situations, he questions our routines and expectations. Ondak's works are often quiet and almost inconspicuous, which is precisely why they have such an impact. He is interested in the social choreographies of life: what is seen and what is overlooked. Torn Shoelace..."

Sorry to interrupt here. Yes, you read that right. This piece is about a god damn torn shoelace. In a "respectable" Gallery. That I paid to enter.

Sorry, let me continue with the description...

"Torn Shoelace consists of a single, worn shoelace, hanging seemlingly casually on the wall. Barely more than a fragment, the object refers to the everyday and the overlooked and opens up questions: Who did this shoelace belong to? What has happened? It is a testimony to absence or presence? With minimal means, Ondak activates our imagination and questions familiar contexts. Torn Shoelace is neither a sculpture nor a found object in the classical sense, but rather a mental image - sensitive and direct, casual and charged all at the same time. Roman Ondak represented Slovakia at the Venice Biennale in 2009."

Here it is you guys.

Torn Shoelace

The only question I have from work like this; Is this all just a money laundering scam?

While in the presence of Art Wank, I like to spend a few minutes observing the other patrons. Nobody lingered in these rooms. A few determined souls spent more time watching videos and reading descriptions than looking at the 'art'. They would glance at the work and swiftly move on. No doubt also as confused and perplexed as I was by what they saw, wondering if they too were not sophisticated or intelligent enough to enjoy what they were looking at.

My instinct is that the general public, supposedly served by these galleries and institutions, are not inspired by this kind of work. It does not uplift them or represent them. I did not see people gazing in wonder (other than the students being initiated into the cult), like I did in the MOMA in New York, admiring Monet's spectacular waterlilies with vast hoards of lingering crowds, engrossed in the art with every cell in their bodies. One woman involuntarily burst into tears at the sight of Van Gogh's Starry Night, overcome with emotion. Would you put money on Torn Shoelace and others like it, being seen in such a way by future generations?

I feel like there should be an exit survey in galleries and museums, the kind you get on an extremely delayed, terrible long haul flight that has lost all your luggage. Or at least a guest book, so you can express your opinions there and then instead of having them fester into a blog post. Galleries and Museums need to know The Emperor has no clothes, for their sakes, as well as ours, and that I am most seriously displeased.

I hope you enjoyed my rantings. I'd love to hear your perspective about this kind of "Art", and please, let me know if I'm wildly off base here. I live a 15 minute drive from civilization, so it's possible I'm very out of touch.

If I get enough feedback, I'm tempted to start a Facebook Group where people can post pictures of Art Wank seen in the wild. Some more prime examples below.

Torn Shoelace Write Up - see I wasn't making it all up.

The caption reads, "Material for a sculpture acting as a testaments to both a nation's pioneering development and continuing decision...." and apparently I cropped out the rest, but do we honestly need to know the rest of it?

Is it a fire alarm or an installation? You decide.

Swirls of nails and paint. I can at least appreciate some flow in this piece.

It's at times like these you really appreciate a blank wall.

Shower Installations, covered in paint.

Seriously, this is money laundering, isn't it?

Shiny warning triangle, for when your Ferrari breaks down.

Random Objects that the school science department misplaced.

Light Bulb and Lemon, protected in a glass box. You know, in case you're so inspired that you simply MUST take it as a souvenir.

The caption for this piece reads; "Material for a sculpture commemorating the life of a soldier who died defending his nation against intruding enemies." I mean duh, that's obviously what this piece is all about, isn't it?

I mean, what even is this?

It's Modern Art you guys. Cross that wire in front and an alarm goes off. Security will come and see what's up.

Behold! Brooms!

A better look at the brooms, in case you have never seen one before. I'll bet the janitors who treat themselves to a day at the gallery, to enjoy the finer things and higher thinking society has to offer, are so happy these brooms are here.

An AC Unit. At least we think it is.

Wire Man - sadly the photo quality is not good enough to read the all important and enlightening description to accompany the work.

Franz Marc's Work - Not Art Wank or Degenerate in my opinion. You may not agree, and that's ok.

Franz Marc

Kandinsky Room